The Self-Compassionate Artist
Today I want to delve into a topic I mentioned briefly in a previous post: self-compassion.
What is it?
In short, self-compassion is being understanding, kind, and gentle with yourself. It’s treating yourself the way you would treat a good friend. According to The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook by Dr. Kristin Neff and Dr. Christopher Germer, there are three main components of self-compassion: mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness. I find that throughout my life, I have not been very compassionate with myself. I remember my freshman year of college I had a physics exam which was incredibly difficult for me. I do not like physics, but I studied really hard and was hopeful. I held the belief that if my GPA wasn’t 4.0, I was a failure. The results of the exam came out, and I had gotten a C. I was devastated. I was convinced that I was incredibly stupid and never had a shot of getting into medical school (which was my goal at the time). You should have tried harder, I told myself over and over. If this is your best, how will you ever succeed? Your best isn’t good enough. That was my internal dialogue. It’s a cliche question, but would I say that to a friend? Absolutely not. What a cruel thing to say. An example of a self compassionate response would be the following: “Wow, I’m feeling really disappointed right now and anxious about the future since I didn’t do well on this test. Everyone has grades they aren’t proud of, though. This is a really hard class, and I did my best which is what’s important. I don’t need to be perfect. My worth is not defined by my grades.” See how much kinder that is?
So, why aren’t we self-compassionate? It doesn’t come easily for me. There are a lot of reasons people might avoid self-compassion, but I’m only going to dive into my personal reason. I thought if I treated myself with self-compassion, I would never get better at anything. I thought I needed that inner critic to succeed. If I wasn’t harsh on myself when I got a C, then how would I ever be motivated enough to get an A? I didn’t want to get participation ribbons and be rewarded just for trying. I’m a generally ambitious person: I always want to be better than I am. I want to win. Is this the way to success, though? Is self-criticism really improving me? I struggled a lot with my mental health that freshman year of college. I got a 4.0 and made the Dean’s List, but I was miserable. I was never enough. It wasn’t sustainable. I struggled more and more each semester, constantly berating myself as my grades slipped. Never, ever enough. Could self-compassion offer a better solution?
Self-compassion does not mean giving up on goals. According to Dr. Neff and Dr. Germer, self-compassionate people often have very high personal standards. The difference is, they don’t beat themselves up when they fall short. They are kind to themselves when they fail, which actually makes them more likely to keep trying. If I harass myself every time I fail, eventually I’m going to want to stop trying. I create a phobia of failure that is paralyzing. But, when I treat myself with kindness, it’s easier to get back on my feet and give it another go. I’m not afraid to fail.
As a creative, I think being self-compassionate is one of the best things you can do for your work. Whether you are a musician, a visual artist, a video editor, or a composer, there will always be projects that don’t meet your standards. I often have paintings that I pour my heart into that just don’t match what I envisioned. I used to get very frustrated and angry about them. When I was in my tortured artist phase, I would tear up the paper and throw it away. It’s still hard, but I can better shrug it off and move on to the next piece. It sounds weird, but each painting isn’t as precious. I feel free to experiment because I’ve lowered the stakes. I think this applies to people outside of the creative arts, too. Allowing yourself to have room to fail is very reassuring. When you stop avoiding something, you diminish the anxiety around that thing.
Self-compassion has been a hard skill for me to practice. It goes against a lot of what society preaches, as well. The much touted “grindset” does not necessarily allow room for failure or flexibility. If rigid discipline works for you, I’m not going to stop you. But, I think we could all do with being a little gentler to ourselves. You are important. You deserve to be treated with respect and compassion. It’s ok to fall, and it’s ok to feel upset about it. Hold space for those feelings, give yourself a little love, and see how you feel.
All the best,
Amelia
